CAE to CAF 6: Grief


“Dealing with death is weird because someone you’ve known all of your life is suddenly gone and you’re left to deal with the fact that they’re never coming back.” Snagged from an old blog post, Remain In Peace.

This is more of a sequel to that piece, but before I really get into the meat of this one lemme get something off my chest.

Before Tyrone and I decided to get married, I never wanted to be married. I had considered it with an ex and when that was over, I was like yea… no. Married life isn’t for me.

And it’s important that I say that here because in my moments of grief as it relates to family members who have died, I would think “if only my Grandma could’ve seen me graduate college.” Or “my Granny would be so proud to see me raising all these kids just like she did.” And “My Auntie was an amazing Auntie. That’s why I have my babies call me ‘auntie’ because it’s a way of honoring her.” I’ve always known that degrees were part of my life plan. As well as working with and pouring into children. I really wanted to be an auntie of my village. So I allowed myself time to process the fact that they’d never see those moments. But I never imagined myself married. So with just a few days to go, I’m giving myself space to grieve over the notion that none of them will be there.

Grandma won’t get to “hit the high note.” Granny won’t be there to cheer when she sees these homegrown Clay hips in my dress. Auntie Teresa won’t get to steal the show with her jokes. Uncle Wayne won’t be there to heartily tell me how proud he is of the woman I’ve become.

But as a therapist who has a therapist and who started therapy because of my response to grief, I can’t let this moment pass without telling you a person doesn’t have to die for you to grieve her/his presence.

People read my posts about doing things alone for years and they’re inspired to try life on their own as well, but no one has ever stopped to ask me “where did everybody go?” Whenever I did indulge in conversations about hypothetical married life, there are some faces that I thought would be in the space on my hypothetical wedding day. But the way that life happens and the way free will is set up, many of them won’t be present for the real thing. While I’m ok, I’d be less than the authentic self I’m trying to be if I didn’t outwardly say they have been missed during this process.

Nevertheless, the last stage of grief is acceptance.

I accept that some people pass on.

I accept that some people move on.

And I affirm that I have everything and everyone that I need with me.



My Black Facebook friends are raging
My White Facebook friends are silent

I’m constantly torn between feeling like a sell out 

Or possibly appearing violent. 

Being a young college-educated Christian Black girl 

Has to be one of the most complex identities in the world


Why I Practice Yoga Shirtless


Yea, you read that right.

I’m new to Bikram (hot) Yoga, but I consider myself an official yogi. And when I practice, I practice in shorts and a sports bra.


Yes, I have excess fat. I’m technically obese. My stomach is round and hangs down and I don’t care.

I was the fat girl who got teased in elementary school. The last time I weighed fewer than 200 lbs, I didn’t have acne yet. I weighed more than my fifth grade teacher and I have vivid memories of visiting the fat doctor in the second grade. So I guess you can say this is how I’ve always been or for as long as I can clearly remember. But this is not how I’m choosing to be forever. I want to have a slim body. Not bc I’ll be healthier, bc according to my doctor I’m in great shape. Not bc I’ll be prettier, bc according to my Facebook and Instagram likes and comments (lol) I’m pretty cute. But I wanna do it bc I don’t want to be defeated by ANYTHING. I want to do it just so that I can say that I did it and to encourage others that I can be done.

But to my original point, why do I practice yoga shirtless? People in bikram come in bikinis and swim trunks and I started out fully clothed in a room that’s around 105 degrees before we start moving. But just like I told my auntie when I was in second grade when she asked about my ballet and tap class, (yes, i did ballet. Shut up!) I have the BIGGEST thighs of anyone in the class. So I don’t feel comfortable dressing like everybody else but I practice shirtless because I want to prepare myself for my new body. I don’t want to go into my new body with the same forever fat girl mindset.

IMG_3121.PNG (that’s not my back btw)
I know that eventually I will have my new body, but since I’ve been obese for so long I’ve picked up some habits that women with slimmer bodies don’t have.
So now I make myself avoid the handicap restrooms. I make myself sit in the middle of rows in auditoriums. I try my hardest to not have an anxiety attack when I look at chairs that look flimsy.

I don’t wanna get my new body and keep my old habits. So I’m practicing now.


Job’s Wife, She Wasn’t So Crazy…


Why is that any time Job’s wife is mentioned she’s always seen as an irrational person?? I mean, let’s look at it from her perspective.

In a short span of time, Job lost all of his possessions AND his children. I’m sure this was devastating and it probably made his already failing health even worse. However, everything that Job owned also belonged to his wife! She too lost everything she had! And she didn’t even have a spouse to console her in the midst of her life shattering turmoil, bc she was losing him too.

Job had been living right and he had a great relationship with God which is why he was able to go through the illness and the losses, but his wife didn’t have the same reputation. So Job, who was strong and confident in the Lord, had to remind her who she was. I don’t think she was foolish she was spiritually and physically weakened.

I think we forget that she had been his primary caretaker throughout everything. And just watching my dad take care of my mom over the past month just from a knee surgery I can see that it can be VERY taxing on a spouse who truly love his/her partner.

So maybe she was speaking in a way that wasn’t consistent with her character, but from what I hear, love can do that to a person.

Job's Wife